Anger, rage hatred, long term grudges and resentments can make a hell for us. They poison our relationships, harm our careers, and give us no peace. We feel the urge to lash out at the person who has made us angry.
Frequently that person happens to be important for us and our well-being – such as a boss or our parents and we dare not take it out on them. So we lash out at others who have done nothing to harm us. In this way we spread misery and pain in the world.
Some of us have suffered from a bad upbringing and have a wounded child inside of us as a result. This colors our whole outlook to life and our relationships. We need to deal with his pain and reverse this life-long habit.
We see the harmful effect of this feeling in our lives and make a vow to not feel angry again or to suppress the anger. This only creates more conflicts and divisions within us. Nothing is gained by trying to not feel angry. It is a part of us.
We would not try to chop our head off it we had a headache. We would give it all the necessary care and attention to cure the problem. We need to take a similar attitude towards our feelings. These are energies within us that need to be reclaimed and transformed.
The concepts of impermanence and no-self can also help us to deal with our anger but only if you have taken up the meditation practices suggested on this site. If we get an understanding of impermanence, that this feeling is not our self, that it is just a feeling that will pass in time, then is becomes easier to dis-identify with our feelings and witness it mindfully, neither expressing nor suppressing it.
But this understanding of impermanence and no-self comes only after some time spent practicing meditation. You cannot make the insights of this site a part of your life simply by reading it once. You need to study it, think over the implications and take up mediation practice, which will make the act of witnessing habitual to you.
The following are some important tools and insights that will help you to transform your feelings of anger:
1) Mindfulness – Mindfulness is a method made popular by the Vietnamese Zen Buddhist Master – Thich Nhat Hanh. We can use this method you deal with our hatred as it arises.
The important part of this technique is that it neither suppresses nor expresses our anger. Thich Nhat Hanh compares the energy of anger with organic manure or compost. An organic farmer uses manure to grow flowers or vegetables. Similarly we can reclaim and use the energy of anger to benefit ourselves.
The technique of mindfulness is simplicity itself. We use the breath to anchor ourselves and simply become aware of or witness or be mindful of our anger. When you are angry do the following:
a) Breathing in say to your self – I am breathing in and I am angry.
b) Breathing Out – I am breathing out and I smile at my anger.
It is not to be expected that simply doing this exercise once will free us of our frustrations. Thich Nhat Hanh compares this process to cooking vegetables or potatoes. It takes time for potatoes to cook. We need to cook them for 10 to 15 minutes maybe more. Similarly we need to practice mindfulness for some period of time before we can be free of anger.
Another way of dealing with our anger is simply to observe it without reacting. This is a technique is taught in various forms of meditation. Anchor yourself in the act of observing your thoughts and feelings by paying attention to your breath. Do not think or react in any way. Simply observe.
If you react then observe the reaction without reacting. Meditation also teaches us to observe the sensations in the body when you are angry or disturbed. When we are angry our breathing changes, the metabolism of the body reacts. We may feel our forehead becomes heated up.
It is important to be one with the feeling using the breath to anchor yourself. The angry feeling will pass in time. DO NOT THINK OR ANALYZE IT IN ANY WAY. Simply be at one with your anger. It is important that we not judge while we are also angry because the process of judging will just feed our anger. Just be at one with the angry feeling.
Also our thoughts and conclusions when we are feeling hurt and angry are not likely to be completely balanced and rational. If you do think when you are angry then do not trust these thoughts and conclusions and do not act on them.
Practice being mindful so that it becomes a habit. It will then be easy for you to fall back on it when you are angry and disturbed. This technique of mindfulness or witnessing is the basis of all the practice and concepts explained further. I cannot over emphasize its importance and the difference it will make in your life.
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In the “normal” state of mind, your mind is working in various directions. It is functioning as it usually does which means it is bouncing from one idea and thought to the next. In fact, this is quite abnormal activity for the brain because it needs to focus on a lesser amount of ideas if it is to be successful in resolving problems.