Habitual energies of anger are those tendencies inside of us that we have picked up as a result of our upbringing. Perhaps our parents were too critical or too short-tempered in the way they brought us up. Later in life we tend to react to situations in the same way as they did.
It is simple to use the same technique of mindfulness to skillfully deal with these habitual energies of anger and rage. As you breathe in you note the tendency to react inside of you. As you breathe out you smile at it. Thus with the light of consciousness we can be free of our ingrained tendencies or habits.
Just this one practice can work wonders with our well-being and social skills. I have seen this in my own life. When I was young I had no social skills and could not get along with myself or with others. As I developed the habit of noticing and acknowledging these ingrained tendencies and reactions it worked wonders for my sense of poise, confidence and well-being. It dramatically changed my interpersonal relations as well.
It is important not to blame our parents for these tendencies inside of us even through we may have learned these from them. In the first place, they leaned them from their parents and did not have the skills to transform them, so in a way they are the victims.
Secondly, and more important, if you blame your parents or others for deficiencies in yourself you are setting yourself in the role of victim. You are not taking responsibility for yourself and your life. You cannot expect to make any changes or grow this way.
The technique of mindfulness, of witnessing our anger and rage without reacting helps us to make the changes that we want in our lives. Have faith in your practices and keep working.
Be Patient With Yourself
Almost all of us have suffered as a result of wrong upbringing in one way or another. Even if we think we have had a happy childhood we have wounds, grudges and resentments that are hard to let go.
A lot of our anger and feeling of hurt and pain are a replay of what we suffered when we were young. We can use the method of mindfulness to make changes in this part of ourselves too.
As I said earlier it is important not too blame our parents or cast ourselves in the role of victims. We are responsible for our lives and with the method of witnessing we can transform or learn to live with anything.
We need to listen to the wounded child within us. Compassionate listening may be described as letting the other person unburden himself or herself – to give him relief from suffering and pain by just letting him talk. The idea is not to analyze or get information or to understand. The goal is to simply listen and accept and give him or her relief.
Have this same attitude while listening to yourself. Simply be one with the pain of the wounded child. You can use the mindfulness breathing practice.
“Breathing in, I recognize the wounded child inside me. Breathing out I am taking good care of my wounded child.”
Be patient with yourself. You will may not see changes easily or quickly. These are the wounds of a lifetime that we are bringing to the surface. The goal is not to change or transform or understand. The goal is to be one with the pain mindfully, to witness it without reacting.
In the near term, this allows you to be in control of how you express your anger. Over time, transformation and understanding will take place such that these old wounds do not spark anger in the first place.
This practice will make us much more at peace with ourselves. You will not feel the need to pass on these same wounds to your children and perpetuate the cycle anger. Instead, you have the opportunity to break this cycle and bring peace and understanding to your children and the world.
Deny Nourishment To Your Anger
You may have certain notions or ideas about the person who has made you angry. You may see him or her as vindictive or malicious or just plain mean-spirited. In dwelling on these thoughts, you water the seeds of anger within you.
Do not dwell on these thoughts or analyze the motivation of the person who is making you angry. Many times, our ideas about what is driving the other person are mistaken. It only serves to make our anger grow stronger, when reality may dictate that angry feelings are not justified.
The person who just cut you off on the highway may not be a mean-spirited jerk who has not thoughts for the safety of others. Instead, he may be late to an important meeting on which his career depends. Does this change your thoughts about that person? Certainly, driving aggressively should not be condoned, but we have all been late for something important at one time or another in our lives and we can certainly relate to the feelings of stress and anxiety he is likely to be experiencing.
The point of the above story is that we all have a choice of how we chose to thing about those who have wronged us. We can either choose to believe the worst about the other person or we can choose to believe the best. In the absence of evidence, we all to often choose to believe the worst, again nourishing our anger.
Instead, I find it helpful to believe the best about the motivations of another person unless there is clear evidence that his actions were intentionally malicious. This helps bring me peace and allows for feelings of compassion for the other person instead of feelings of anger.
Make No Decisions While Angry
I have already mentioned earlier that it is important to not think or try to analyze or understand when you are feeling angry or disturbed. At such times simply witness and be one with your pain. Any conclusions that we reach when we are feeling disturbed are not to be trusted. Be free of the feeling of anger and then try to think and reach sound conclusions.
It is important to do our thinking when we are feeling calm and at peace. Then it is more likely that our thinking will take into account the complete picture and our conclusion will be more balanced.
It is also important to understand that the other person is suffering also. At times we feel that we are the only person in pain. However the person is also human and has weaknesses and may not have the skillful means to deal with his pain. It is important to understand this.
The best way to understand the other person is simply to communicate. Straightforward, calm and loving communication can work wonders in all our relationships. If you communicate you will be in touch with each other.
Please be aware that most ideas or notions that you have formed about the other person without trying to communicate cannot be trusted.
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