How to deal with loss after death of a loved one

The death of a loved one can be a deeply painful incident for his family. This is even more true when the death is sudden and unexpected; caused by suicide or an accident. We are left to deal with our feelings of loss and grief and we do not quite know how to cope with them. In the modern, westernized culture we may find that people around us are just as unskillful and may not know how to console us and help us to let go.

And grief can be so intense that we wonder how we can continue to live, how we can continue to function. I read a story from a book Wisdom of the East by Susan Suntree. One of the contributors talks about her experience when her first born son died in an accident. She said her grief was similar to having a red hot iron ball in her mouth. She could not spit it out, she could not swallow it, and this continued for years and years.

So our first task when we are bereaved is to accept our grief and not evade it and also to be patient with ourselves as it may take a long time for the grief and pain to pass. And yet we must face it, however painful it is. Evading our grief is not the way out. We must face it. Judy Tatelbaum says :

“Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. To work through and complete grief means to face our feelings openly and honestly, to express and release our feelings fully, and to tolerate and accept our feelings for however long it takes for the wound to heal. We fear that once acknowledged grief will bowl us over. The truth is that grief experienced does dissolve. Grief unexpressed is grief that lasts indefinitely.”

Certain practices are mentioned in the Tibetan Book on Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche that will help us to dissolve our grief. I urge you to pick up a copy for more detailed help on this subject.

Rinpoche mentions that one of the reason we feel utterly wretched is that we feel that those is nothing that we can do to help our departed loved one. This is simply not true. There are many practices in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition to help the departed loved one even after his passing. These practices help dissolve the negative Karma of the deceased and help than get a favorable rebirth. But it is important that the deceased should have shared these convictions also. If you belong to a different faith you can consult a priest or monk for ceremonies, prayers and rituals that will help the departed soul. Every faith contains these practices and you will also feels better that you have tried your best to help the departed loved one on his final journey.

Grief can linger for years as I said earlier in cases of a very bad and unexpected loss. It comes and goes in cycles – you may feel fine in certain times and a few weeks or months later you may again feel wretched. It is important to be patient with yourself and accept this as normal. You may find that people do not have much sympathy for you if your grief is prolonged. Accept that too as normal. In our culture people know almost next to nothing about death and dying and this subject is deliberately brushed under the carpet. You cannot expect others to have much knowledge or skill to help you out.

In case of sudden death it is important for us to see the body first hand so that we are completely convinced that he or she has really died.
The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying mentions many practices that you can do to help you face, dissolve and let go of your grief. I will not explain these practices as I have not tried them out and have nothing to add to what has been written in the book. The author – Sogyal Rinpoche – says that those practices are extremely effective in helping you deal with your grief at the death of a loved one. Please refer chapter 19 of the book.

On to the next chapter on Gaining poise and self confidence:

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