Gaining poise and self confidence through witnessing

I was very much lacking in poise and self confidence when I was young. Partly because of my upbringing no doubt I had a lot of negative feelings about myself and indulged in a lot of destructive self-talk.

My situation is I think similar to most people on this planet although I was a particularly bad case in that I lacked poise. However most people lack confidence, frequently they do not feel good about themselves and they judge themselves harshly and have many opinions about themselves, which limit their growth and potential.

Jack Kornfield wrote in one of his books that we judge ourselves so harshly that only a dictator like Hitler or Stalin would appoint us to preside in their courts. This was certainly true of me and may be applicable to you as well. This is what destroys poise and self confidence.

But now, due to my meditation and reading and thinking I am coming out of this prison. I still feel bad about myself and the negative self talk in my head continues but I no longer take these feelings and opinions seriously. I am gaining in confidence and poise and I am secure in the knowledge that I know how to deal with my internal thoughts and feelings that have pulled me down for so long.

And how did I do it? How am I doing it right now on a moment to moment basis? It is a combination of

1) Insight about my own nature and nature of the world.

2) A method of practice, which will soon grow on you and become habitual

First the insight or world view

II) Insight

A lot of what I say here is not something that you do not already know. In fact when I first introduced myself to these concepts I did not think I had discovered anything earth shakingly important. But at that time these ideas were only concepts in my mind. They had not become real to me. You will need to think and meditate over these concepts to make them real in your life. Then you will gain in poise and self confidence.

I will give an example. All of us know that we will die one day. It is not anything that we did not know when we were 10 years old. But the fact of our death is not real to us. We do not feel this fact in our bones. We have not thought over what this means to us, and what changes in our lives are dictated by this simple fact of death and impermanence. When we contemplate and think and read this one concept is enough to change our entire outlook to life. It is like we have finally de-hypnotized ourselves and are now building our lives on a solid foundation instead of the sand of our desires and ambitions. Having a solid foundation in your life results in gaining poise and self confidence.

Much of the insights that have changed my life and made me more confident were discussed in the opening chapter. I will briefly list them here. They are:

1) This too will pass – the fact of impermanence. Everything in life is both impermanent and unsatisfactory. There is nothing that will give us lasting and permanent happiness except enlightenment or Nirvana or a union with God.

2) Death – we will die one day and the bodies that we cherish and care for and the mind to which we give so much importance will cease to benefit us in any way. Same is true of our possessions, our reputation, our relationships and our achievements

3) You are not the Body or the Mind – This is a Hindu concept. Sankara – the great Indian philosopher and mystic – of the 8th century thought this as one of the main methods of attaining God. The method is to use discrimination and perceive that we are not the Body or the Mind. We are something else. Sankara has explained his method and his philosophy in detail in the book Vivekachoodamani available at Amazon.

The main benefit of this insight from the point of view of attaining poise and self confidence is that we will find it much easier to dis-identity from all our negative self talk and feelings. We will up longer take them seriously and we will be free of them and be able to witness them without reacting and transform them. The way I am advocating to gaining poise and self confidence is that of witnessing.

4) All is the Tao – Everything – both inside and outside of you – is the Tao. Everything is a manifestation of God. There is nothing that we like that is not the Tao and also there is nothing that we dislike that is not the Tao. It makes sense to take our likes and dislike our needs wants and desires less seriously especially when we consider that even if we achieve our desires it will not result in lasting or permanent happiness. This leads to a feeling of detachment that aids poise and self confidence.

5) Osho Rajneesh says that as far as the Body or Mind or Ego is concerned there will always be something that we can choose to be miserable about. We can never be the most handsome or the beautiful or the most intelligent person in the world. Someone is there who is better than us. We may be intelligent but be in bad health or we may be young and healthy and strong but without much brains. We may be rich but without friends. We may have lots of friends but have no time for books and meditation. Thus it is that we recognise ourselves objectively and thus gain poise and self confidence.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said “ Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that way I learn from him.” If this sentiment was true of Emerson then it is certainly true of us.

So accept yourself as you are with all your good points and bad points. There is no end to the desires of the ego. Making these above insights a part of your thinking and your life will gradually free you from the clutches of the ego and you will experience a feeling of release and peace. This is the way to poise and self confidence.

III) State of Mind

The resulting state of mind if you take these insights seriously is a feeling of release and of peace (and poise and self confidence). Alan Watts, in one of his books, speaks of the peaceful state of mind that arises in people who are nearing death. I have not had that experience but this must be somewhat similar.

Personally the feeling of release arises in me sometimes but not with any great intensity. I suppose it is because I am not yet in an advanced state in my practice. But it is a great relief for me to feel and to know that I do not HAVE TO behave in a certain manner, or think in a certain or achieve any particular result however desirable. It is all going to come to nothing in the end, the fretful ego is going to be extinguished so why take it so seriously.

Alan Watts also speaks of a state of mind where there is nothing to hope for nothing to strive for, nothing to fear or to avoid, there is simply nothing to do but to be in the HERE AND NOW and with and live life mindfully. This is, I think, one of the most meaningful sentences that I have ever read. Practicing these insights should lead to such a state of mind and I think that we would have all the poise and confidence that we need if we make this a habitual state of mind.

IV) The Method

But how can we attain such a state of mind ( of poise and self confidence)? How do we make it habitual?

I myself am a student like you and am working my way towards it. But I think I am making some progress and I would like to tell you how:

1) Impermanence – For making the concept of death and impermanence real to you, nothing beats Vipassana meditation. The main focus of Vipassana is to have you experience the changing nature of sensations. You will get into the habit of noting the changing nature of thoughts, moods and feelings as well. Once you feel the impermanence nature of things in your bones it changes the entire outlook to life. I am speaking from experience. You will no longer take the fretful ego and its needs and insecurities and demands that seriously. This will help you dis-identify and witness and be free of all the mental habits that rob you of your confidence.

2) Paul Brunton’s meditation technique: I am not regular in doing this meditation but I have read the two books describing this technique The Secret Path and The Quest of the Overself
Should you practice this meditation you will soon be convinced through a process of analytical reasoning that in fact you are not the Body or the Mind or the Feelings or the Intellect or the Ego. Once this conviction arises in you will find yourself naturally not taking the Mind or the mental habits that rob you of poise and self confidence seriously.

This analytical phase is only the first step of the entire meditation technique and Paul Brunton describes how we can experience the Overself – that which we really are. This is a technique that he learned from Ramana Maharshi, one of the most venerated sages of modern India. The two books I spoke of earlier are considered classics in spirituality and many people have benefited by following Paul Brunton’s instructions and doing the meditation. This is a classic work on achieving serenity of mind and will lead to poise and self confidence.

This method can be learned without formal instruction from a Master – straight from the book. Also it requires only 30 minutes of daily meditation practice and is completely safe.

3) The habit of witnessing: I have described two Meditation techniques that I have tried out and found beneficial. However any meditation practice is useful as it will get us into the habit of witnessing the mind without identifying with it. That is all we need to do to develop poise and confidence. Witness the mind and your negative mental habits without identifying with them or taking them seriously. Observe the mind with indifference. Any meditation practice should help you to do this and you are free to follow any method that appeals to you. You need not do only Vipassana or Paul Brunton’s method.

Reading and thinking: If you are interested in reading more about Eastern Philosophy I can recommend many books to you that I have found useful. But it is important that you think as well as read. Only contemplation on these insights and truths can transform your outlook. Please refer bibliography at the end of this ecourse.

V) Benefits

All of us like freedom. All of us want more poise and self confidence. It will help us to free ourselves from :-

i) The false opinions and judgement that we hold about ourselves

ii) We will be more at peace with ouselves

iii) We will be more poised and confident socially.

iv) Being ourselves poised, confident and self sufficient and not needing to play games and manipulate others we will transform our relationships. We will attract similar independent and happy people into our lives

v) We will work better. People will find it easier to get along with us at the workplace or office. This will help our career.

vi) The relationships within the family will improve. Be prepared to see some dramatic changes.

In short, changing your outlook In the way I have described will impact all areas of your life including the most important. Be prepared to see a lasting transformation in all areas of your life for the better. This is how I myself gained in poise and self confidence and I recommend the same to you.

On to the next chapter on Better relationships through mastery of self.

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