Relationships should not be a problem to you at all if you really take the message of eastern philosophy to heart and change the way you look at the world and at yourself. If you can govern your responses and reaction, understand yourself – through mindfulness of feelings – and be whole, then all your relationships will change for the better.
If we need to manipulate others and play games then we will attract those people into our lives who will manipulate us in return. The way to attracting the right man or woman in our lives is to be able to respect ourselves and others.
Applying these lessons to your life will help you to:
i) Lose your inhibitions and gain social skills. This will attract the right man or woman into your life.
ii) Be happy and self-sufficient. When you can live independently and do not need to exploit others to fulfill your needs when you will attract similar people into your life.
The Art of War by Sun Tzu is a classic work on military warfare and strategy. You may find it useful for your relationships also it you have to deal with a difficult person such as an unruly son or daughter. But two sentences in The Art of War capture the essence of what is required to keep them going. They are:
“Humanity and Justice are the principles on which to govern a state.”
“The true object of war is peace.”
You may need to discipline your son and be harsh with him sometimes. When you are at war you may need to be unjust. But remember that the object of war is peace. The difficult phase will pass and you will want to make peace with your son (or daughter or wife).
So be skillful and restrained when you are exercising your power and using force. The best way to governing relationships or a family is not to be at war but to use Humanity and Justice.
These practices will enable you to govern yourself and your passions and you will be sufficiently detached from the needs of the ego to be able to practice Humanity and Justice. It is a simple enough maxim but very rarely practiced. This is why there are so many disputes both within the family and outside in the world.
Another key lesson in managing them is contained in the following sentence in The Art of War:
“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy then for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
It is important to objectively understand both yourself and the other person. Ideally we should do this before starting a relationship so that we will be able to choose our partner (be it in life or business). An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Read The Art of War and remember these three important lessons. This will enable you to choose your relationships wisely as well as govern them in a way that benefits both of you.
Ending A Bad Relationship
This may be painful and traumatic but it is something that you can do when you are independent and not needy and can care for yourself and your feelings and your needs.
If you are financially dependent on an abusive partner and are used to a certain lifestyle then it may be difficult to let go. This is why it is important for both partners to earn and be financially independent. It is a crucial way to safeguard yourself otherwise you may be stuck in an abusive relationship with no way of ending it.
Standing Up For Your Rights
It is important to beep communication going in any relationship. If you do not communicate, then the best thing that can happen to you is if the relationship ends. Keeping a relationship going without communication is to have it develop infection and become poisonous. If it is a close relationship within the family, it will take over your whole life and ruin your happiness. I am speaking from experience.
Thich Nhat Hanh – in his book – Anger – Buddhist wisdom for cooling the flames – gives some important advice on communication within relationships.
In the book, Thich Nhat Hanh imparts the following advice:
1. Write a letter. If you are not in the habit of communication with your partner then this may be the way to break the ice. Also if you are shy and nervous around your partner. Really take your time over the letter. This may be more important to your happiness than writing your thesis for a PhD.
2. Use matter of fact language, without judging or condemning. Describe your feelings and thoughts instead of expressing your opinions or judgments. Simply describe.
For more on the important subject of communication in relationships please read Thich Nhat Hanh on Anger.
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